Intervention
by HillBot
Summary: After One Piece Zoro seeks the comfort of cats. The crew tries to help him with his problem. Warnings: Crack and OOC


Title: Intervention _or_ Last Night I Had the Strangest Dream

Pairing: crazycatlady!Zoro x Cats! (all the cats are male so it totally counts as yaoi) and Sanji x Strapping Gay Bar Lads

Disclaimer: I feel bad for Oda-Sama because people like me take a perfectly good story and ruin it with weird crap like this.

Warnings: Major crack. People with cat allergies should avoid this fic. No spoilers. I'm a freak.

"Zoro, I think we need to talk," Nami said seriously, standing with the rest of the Straw Hats in Zoro's messy living room while the man trained on the floor. She wasn't looking at the man however, but at the piles of fur that laid stretched across his bare back. There had to be at least eight cats napping on him; cats of various breeds including siamese, burmese, and a single large, white persian.

"What about?" Zoro paused his one-fingered pushups and glanced up at his old crew. A couple of the smarter cats, who were previously quite content with their positions, jumped from the swordsman and fled the room, feeling the obvious tension.

The navigator glared pointedly at the remaining cats who were now sitting up at full attention eyeing the woman warily. "I think you know," she said, wrinkling her nose in disgust. The rest of the cats, save for the white fluffy one, scattered immediately for fear of being murdered by Angry Redhead.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Zoro deadpanned. He continued his workout as if Nami wasn't there, just like old times. A jingling sound caught Nami's attention and she noticed the heart shaped tags on the collar around the cats neck. She leaned in a little and was able to read the word '_Fluffy_' engraved in an elegant scrawl. Fluffy curled up in between Zoro's shoulder blades, absorbing the warmth.

"Bullshit, Marimo. You know exactly what she's talking about. What's with all the fucking cats?" Sanji gestured wildly around the room at the dozens of photos of cats and kittens that lined the walls. "I mean, come on Zoro! We all figured when you became the worlds greatest then maybe you'd finally settle down and open a dojo or something but instead you start a goddamned cat farm!"

Zoro glared up at the chef. "This _isn't_ a farm."

"It sure smells like one..." Sanji mumbled under his breath.

"OI-" Zoro started to argue, but he didn't get far because Fluffy had leapt gracefully from his back and onto Sanji's face, claws sinking deep into the soft flesh.

"_SHIT_!" the blonde exclaimed as the hissing ball of fur ripped at his face. Zoro laughed while both Nami and Sanji attempted to tear the offending animal from the mans face. Chopper spoke with it, trying to get Fluffy to retract his claws, but even that didn't work. Sanji continued to struggle until Zoro called the cat off.

"Fluffy," he said sternly, and the cat clawed Sanji's face one last time, gave him a large cheshire grin and slunk back to Zoro. Sanji glared at the man who was now sitting cross-legged on the floor, lovingly stroking the demon-spawned _thing_. He was about to yell at the man but Chopper cut him off.

"WHA-"

"AMAZING! You trained your cats Zoro?"

"Hm? Oh, they all just kind of listen to me I guess..." A few of the other cats from earlier had crept back into the room to investigate the earlier commotion. They flocked almost magnetically to Zoro's side, all rubbing against him, purring loudly.

"Wow! I always thought cats were untrainable. No matter how friendly they are they still aren't considered domesticated." Chopper practically sparkled in admiration for Zoro.

The swordsman glanced around at his furry friends and considered what the small doctor had said. "Well, they don't _always_ listen to me. Sometimes Angel eats off of my plate during dinner, and no matter how many times I tell him to stop, Baby is always climbing trees even though he knows he can't get back down on his own."

Nami sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. "Whatever. Zoro the whole reason we're here is because we're worried about you. This is an intervention."

"A what?" Zoro looked confused. Nami didn't care.

"Luffy, just get over here and read your letter." The raven-haired boy, who had been rolling happily in a pile of cats, shot immediately to Nami's side. He dug around in his pockets and pulled out a ripped, crumpled sticky-looking paper. He cleared his throat dramatically and began to speak.

"_Dear Zoro..._" He squinted hard at the paper. "Hey Nami," he said in a loud whisper, "what does this say?" The redhead leaned over his shoulder to get a better look at the letter. Anger flared on her face turning it a dark red. She cuffed Luffy hard on the ear.

"_This is a picture of a dinosaur fighting a robot!_" She said between clenched teeth, barely controlling the anger in her voice. Luffy looked his paper, turned it left, then right, then left again. His mouth formed into and 'o' of understanding.

"Ohoho! You're so smart, Nami! That's why you're my navigator!" Luffy laughed and ran back over to play with the cats some more.

Nami sighed again and spoke in a calm collected voice. "Alright, Zoro, here's the deal. You have a problem and until you admit to it, we're not leaving. You're going to go to rehab whether you like it or not." She stomped her foot childishly to punctuate her words.

"I don't have a problem! What's wrong with liking cats?" Zoro asked defensively. He didn't see the problem. These cats were his friends and he loved them. Sassy and Sophie and Daisy and even Joe even though sometimes he pooped in Zoro's bed instead of the litter box. They were like family, he couldn't give them up.

Nami wouldn't have it. "Yes you do Zoro! Just look at yourself! Look at what you've become!"

"What does it matter? So I've picked up a few strays! No big deal!" He pulled Fluffy closer to his chest.

"Zoro, you have to see this through someone else's eyes. Put yourself in our shoes and look at yourself."

"Oh my god..." Zoro's eyes welled up with tears. "I'm so pathetic."

"No," Nami reassured him softly, "No, Zoro, you're not pathetic. You just have a problem that needs to be dealt with." She pulled Zoro head to her chest as he cried silently. The cats watched from the other side of the room.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Hang on a second. Zoro freaks out and get a billion cats so he gets to put his face in your boobs? I've been addicted to cigarettes since I was eleven. I could _die_ but all you care about is a couple of extra pets running around his house? That's it, I'm done with women. I'll see you guys later, I'm gonna go find a gay bar and have sex with every guy in it."

"You know what?" Franky piped up from the back of the silent group, "I don't even like cola."

"I never really wanted to look at panties. I just want someone to _love_." Brook blinked at the epiphany (or at least he would have if he had any eyelids. YOHOHO! Skull Joke!).

"Hey guys, did you know that a squared plus b squared equals c squared?" Everyone turned to Luffy and stared in disbelief, mouths gaping but, before anyone could say anything, Salmon_pink shot straight up in bed, shocked out of her restless sleep.

"Sweet Jesus!" She exclaimed. "I have _got_ to stop smoking crack before bed!"

**ALTERNATE ENDING!!!**

Salmon_pink sat up in bed, shaking from the force of the nightmare. She blinked and looked around realizing she was still in her bedroom.

"Aw, baby, did you have a bad dream?" Said a smooth smokers rasp at her right.

"Come on, lay back down, it's okay." The deep baritone on her left soothed.

She felt Sanji's slender fingers massaging her back while Zoro's muscular hand found her thigh.

"...Okay." She said, a small smile touching her lips as the two men pulled her back into bed.

Somewhere in the world OhSnap9292's alarm clock blared at her to get up.

"Goddamnit, right when it gets to the best part..." She pulled the loud object off of her desk and held it front of her face, waiting for her eyes to adjust so she could check the time.

"Six o' clock," she mumbled, "way too early." She hit the snooze button and angrily made to throw the clack back on the desk. Instead it hit the floor. She'd never had an arm for throwing. OhSnap9292 rolled over and buried herself in the covers once more, begging the gods for just ten more minutes.


End file.
